Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
