i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
