She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
