I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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