It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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