Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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