i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
