On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize