i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
