I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
