I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize