i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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