Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
