There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
