I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
