I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
