We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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