I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize