I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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