At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
