you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
