Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
