I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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