my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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