Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
