the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
