Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
