apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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