come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
