you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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