I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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