This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
