Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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