Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize