Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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