yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
