When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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