Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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