i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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