a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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