Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
