you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is Oprah even human
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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