I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
