I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
