My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
