he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she told me i tasted like america
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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