that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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