I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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