u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
