There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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