peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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