It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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