i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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