corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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