Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Green mimosas i think yes
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
