3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize