is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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