you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I supernannyed him into submission
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
