Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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