can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
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