He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
