This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize