I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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