why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
