remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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