I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
