this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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