just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
