i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
