I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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